"I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders."
This was one of the first quotes I clung to when I first made the choice to speak up about my illness: I knew it was going to take a lot of God's guidance, faith, and guts.
I have reached many cross roads over the last year: raising my son, getting laid off, loosing insurance, my condition getting worse, finding "the right doctor", trying to uncover the best pain management, looking for work, applying for this and that while keeping a smile on my face and saying "I'm okay."
This week posed a new set of issues (mind you, it's only Tuesday!) Monday, learned that my diagnosis was incorrect in so many words the blood work was inclusive for RA and Lupus so I'm not quite sure what's going on; for most people this would be good or encouraging, for me this has become a game. If I could name the game, it would be "Jenga": pulling away different blocks from the stack, hoping the entire thing doesn't fall apart. I was never good at that game. While this is going on, my pain has been off the charts for weeks now. I do have a considerable amount of pride and it took four people to convince me to go to the ER. Now, I haven't met one person that enjoys hospital visits in any degree...but I would classify a nine (yes, "9") hour wait is beyond ridiculous. I didn't find a way to make it somewhat enjoybale (refer to #TalesFromTheER via Twitter)
Also the last two days posed some personal drama that should be scripted for Lifetime...I can't apply all of it to virtual paper but it includes pain, betrayal, deceit, and misunderstanding.
For now, I can't control the psychical pain...but I can do my best to lick the emotional wounds so I can brave the new journey ahead.
I believe that God will continue to carry me through all this, no matter how dark the night. Yes, I'm back a square one, but I will be stronger because of all of this.
My shoulders are weak, but they are indeed broad! I appreciate my #spoonie friends for "getting it", kinda hard to explain how people whom you never met have sympathy for each other, but it's easy to understand. I also thank my immediate family (Dad, Mom, Sis, Bro) for fussing at me and smothering me in a loving way, that's how we roll.
Happy St Patrick's Day
1 month ago